Situation Normal I Feel (expletive) Up

Posted on: June 17, 2010

I am unsure what I was doing sitting in that open cubicle, sitting next to a guy (or gay) who looked like he over smeared with talcum powder and was wearing bloody red lipstick. I was wondering if he’s into Twilight or True Blood. While trying very hard to keep myself busy (it’s just my second day), my mind was also busy ingesting the thought that yup, I’ve caged myself again – in a high rise corporate empire, devoid of the feel of the outside world.

How I feel is the most natural thing in the world. It exactly mimics that untrashable feeling of going to school for the first time and learning that your mom already left and you have no choice but to face the day – that long, agonizing day of feeling unsure and skeptic, but curious at the same time. So I endured my first day and my second, and I think I’m loosening up a little bit. Odd but I feel pressured.

I am to head a team – a pre-existing one with pre-existing members. I was a new recruit, they were veterans, old breeds (too much war books, I know). These people are a nice bunch which in my two days I could already tell,are very serious about their work and they don’t want someone coming in and messing it up. I feel they could swat me anytime. I seriously feel like I am being observed. Paranoia aside, i think they are already expecting me to kick my gear and ramp up the whole thing. But I am still clueless as to how to go about it. They are still feeding me information and I am devouring it like a biggest loser contestant finally out of diet.

A colleague told me on my very first day: “You have to make these people aware that someone is monitoring them,” she said while glancing at the group of girls who are doing telemarketing while skype chatting. I just replied,“Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet,” not exactly sure if I was referring to them or to myself. Seriously, I feel unnecessary pressure creeping over me and I should be ashamed. I was given an opportunity and I grabbed it without so much eyelash-batting so I should really step it up.

Courage. A little bit of pride. I need ’em right now.

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