BIG thoughts before the weekend ends.

Posted on: January 31, 2010

Sometimes we think of ourselves so small and so weak that it manifests in our physical action. We thus become one and I realized how pathetic can that be. When we were little, we don’t think of anything else but conquering the world once we grow up. Starting with the infamous line “When I grow up, I wanna be…” And now we look back on those days of mindless purity and wonder whatever happened to us.

Now, we can’t help but sometimes feel small in everything we do – in all aspects of this given life.

We feel small in our jobs. How many people do I know (including myself) have been feeling lousy getting up in the morning, knowing that they have to face yet another tough day at work? Not because they don’t want/love their jobs but because there are certain unavoidable things that could strip them off of what’s left of their sanity. From selfish and arrogant colleagues who don’t give a sh*t whether they’ve been stepping on someone elses toes, to the most inconsiderate of bosses who could eat us (alive) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We feel small in our craft. No matter how great we are in what we do, there are and will be people who would convince you that you’re no good at whatever and even if you were already half-convinced that you are the greatest at a certain thing, you’ll find yourself bleeding in the end.

We feel small in our sense of belonging. I’ve got around 300 friends in both my facebook and friendster accounts. I’ve got probably a little less than that in my phonebook and email contacts. But still, there are moments when I feel depressed ‘coz I don’t have someone to watch a movie with, or just hang out with during weekends. I tried attending a couple of churches only to have this nagging feeling (although I am not saying it’s true) that I don’t really belong. Don’t get me wrong; these are uber nice people and they make you feel welcome but it’s just that I feel so small and I can’t find myself within their midst.

We feel small in finding our other half. I haven’t yet and I am not really looking. I don’t know but I have this feeling that he’s somewhere between fantasy and reality and he got lost on his way but he’s nearly there to find me. =) (fighting spirit Thet, aza aza!!!) Point in case is, whenever we feel bad because of a spoiled or a non-existent (in my case) relationship, we tend to blame ourselves and keep asking “What’s wrong with me?” Why can’t we ask “What’s wrong with him/her?” We always say we try to be the ‘bigger’ person and move on only to find ourselves in a fetal position, wondering if the smaller we make ourselves in the dark, the higher the chance that we’ll just disintegrate.

I guess i am tired being small. Although physically I am, I want my soul to be bigger. And I thank God for gearing me up with all the positive vibes that I need. It works pretty fast…

Sometimes, I’m convinced, I am bigger than the mountain. =)

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January 2010
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