Archive for January 2010


Sometimes we think of ourselves so small and so weak that it manifests in our physical action. We thus become one and I realized how pathetic can that be. When we were little, we don’t think of anything else but conquering the world once we grow up. Starting with the infamous line “When I grow up, I wanna be…” And now we look back on those days of mindless purity and wonder whatever happened to us.

Now, we can’t help but sometimes feel small in everything we do – in all aspects of this given life.

We feel small in our jobs. How many people do I know (including myself) have been feeling lousy getting up in the morning, knowing that they have to face yet another tough day at work? Not because they don’t want/love their jobs but because there are certain unavoidable things that could strip them off of what’s left of their sanity. From selfish and arrogant colleagues who don’t give a sh*t whether they’ve been stepping on someone elses toes, to the most inconsiderate of bosses who could eat us (alive) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

We feel small in our craft. No matter how great we are in what we do, there are and will be people who would convince you that you’re no good at whatever and even if you were already half-convinced that you are the greatest at a certain thing, you’ll find yourself bleeding in the end.

We feel small in our sense of belonging. I’ve got around 300 friends in both my facebook and friendster accounts. I’ve got probably a little less than that in my phonebook and email contacts. But still, there are moments when I feel depressed ‘coz I don’t have someone to watch a movie with, or just hang out with during weekends. I tried attending a couple of churches only to have this nagging feeling (although I am not saying it’s true) that I don’t really belong. Don’t get me wrong; these are uber nice people and they make you feel welcome but it’s just that I feel so small and I can’t find myself within their midst.

We feel small in finding our other half. I haven’t yet and I am not really looking. I don’t know but I have this feeling that he’s somewhere between fantasy and reality and he got lost on his way but he’s nearly there to find me. =) (fighting spirit Thet, aza aza!!!) Point in case is, whenever we feel bad because of a spoiled or a non-existent (in my case) relationship, we tend to blame ourselves and keep asking “What’s wrong with me?” Why can’t we ask “What’s wrong with him/her?” We always say we try to be the ‘bigger’ person and move on only to find ourselves in a fetal position, wondering if the smaller we make ourselves in the dark, the higher the chance that we’ll just disintegrate.

I guess i am tired being small. Although physically I am, I want my soul to be bigger. And I thank God for gearing me up with all the positive vibes that I need. It works pretty fast…

Sometimes, I’m convinced, I am bigger than the mountain. =)


The person who introduced me to my immortal Holden Caulfield has passed away.

According to reports, J.D. Salinger died on January 28, 2010 of natural causes at his secluded home in Cornish, New Hampshire. He gave life to the concept of the modern-age youth with the birth of Holden’s character in the midst of the cold war.

I remember reading Catcher in the Rye when I was already in college and I feel for and fell-inlove instantly with Holden Caulfield- the anti-hero. Aside from seeing myself in him (I blogged about it before but I couldn’t find the link… haay), I guess I just really have a thing for bad boys because when I was in highschool, I was infatuated with Huck Finn.

Anyway, Mr. Salinger lived a life that he wanted – peaceful and away from the harsh spotlight. Rest In Peace…

So last weekend was a busy one… and a tiring one too! (bones and muscles still aching big time!)

As per my last post, I went on another climb. This time it was in Mt. Batulao in Nasugbu, Batangas. Ironically, we were only five in the group but it’s the most enjoyable for me so far.

My boondock friendly friends (BFF) and I met a group of [newbie] photographers who call themselves ‘Eon’ whom we shared the campsite (or Camp 5 at least) with. They are a bunch of very nice and generous people (because they shared their breakfast and granma [tador] with us during the socials… hehe!)

I brought my point-and-shoot camera with me but it’s broken so I can only take videos from it. Good thing Keicee brought hers. Our new found friends (NFF) took some photos of us (with their saliva-inducing DSLRs):

I can only say: Capital ASTEEEG!!!

Them guys… thank you! =)


Photo Credit: Eon Photography

This is one of those most spur of the moment decisions I’ve done so far. Amid the frenzy during this afternoon’s presswork, our little teasing with our mountaineer friend over YM turned out to be a weekend activity. We’ll be climbing Mt. Batulao tomorrow… errr… later? (it’s 2am already!) I missed out on the first climb so I am so eager to go this time.

I am so excited… I’ll get that feeling again of kissing the sky. =)

What am I doing, really?

I’ve been asking myself this question this past few weeks… months or hell yea, years… and I think I know the answer all along. I just don’t want to admit it to myself and feel like a total loser. As my friend puts it, the cards have long been laid out on the table, its just that I always refuse to draw.

Still, I am praying for enough courage, for enough support, and a pat on my shoulder. Baby steps. That’s what I’ll do in the meantime. Then probably I might get surprise on where I come through.

Positive thoughts can get us a long way! =)

OMG! I could get thrown to the 6th level of hell just by looking at this pic:

My F4 puppy crush is no longer a boy… he’s already a man… a SMEXY man, that is! For those who’s currently raising their brows as to what this annoying term means, it is word mash-up for the Smart and Sexy (Intellectually Sexy) which is what Vanness is. Sorry guys, I am turning on my juvenile obsession mode and I am setting it real high.

I so wanted to watch Vanness’ new drama called Autumn’s Concerto (opposite Ady An) but I can’t seem to find the time (and the pirated DVD yet…hehe) =)

Normally, when I’m having a writer’s block, it spans two hours at the most. These days, I’ve been having it for almost the entire week already. I can’t seem to finish the articles I’m assigned with for our February issue and what bothers me is, I don’t seem to bother that much.

I prefer writing senseless stuffs in my blog than fry my braincells with the technical terms I don’t really understand. Not to mention, it’s been a very rough day yesterday (and week for the past week actually) for me at work. I feel like I am in a black hole (because of an A-hole). . Again, I refuse to elaborate.

This afternoon, I chose to recuperate. I started laughing senselessly again and drown myself in music (it heals me, I don’t know how). So far, I’m nearly done with the first of the three pending articles and I wanna hug myself for that. Positive thoughts can really get you far.

Oh, well… just trying to have a break (I’ve been having it the whole day!)
=)


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January 2010
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