A sudden U-turn

Posted on: April 10, 2009

A full ten minutes before ‘Good Friday’ ends and ‘Black Saturday’ comes and I’m still awake (the only one as everybody hit the sack three hours ago), wondering for the -nth time what I have got to do. I am not yet sleepy and I’m torn as to how I could spend this tranquility – finish that book I’ve been reading, just surf the net, watch a movie / korean soap / j-dorama, or just lie in bed and try to make out figures from the stains on my ceiling.

I am convinced I have wasted two whole days of this ‘vacation’ doing nothing, if not, senseless things. I wasn’t even much of a help during my mom’s yearly ‘pabasa’. I was just here in my room the whole time while, (if I may call it this) the ‘festivity’ downstairs’ was on-going. I’ve never been used to many people going in and out of our house, food overflowing on the table, my pop looking harrassed while in-charge of cooking, a throng of my mom’s friends arriving from who knows where and staying not too long, WonBin barking at 100 decibels every five seconds scaring the wits out of our visitors and the… how to call it… the sound of (?) people singing the ‘pasyon’ outside with an incomprehinsible tune. I don’t know but I am too lazy to get out of the house. I refused going with my sister and her hubby for a ‘Bisita Iglesia’ last Thursday and again, to watch the prossesion earlier this evening. I slept out of boredom instead.

So far, I’ve had 35 hours of sleep, finished two full Taiwanese dramas (one with about 40 episodes!), finished one book, ate less than usual, consumed about a gallon of caffeine (in various forms) in the last two days. It’s probably my sentiment of not being able to be somewhere / anywhere but here that is getting the best of me. I am not happy that I am just home this time. My feet are itching to go somewhere far but there’s no place to go to and most of all, no one to go with. I am just so frustrated. And I hate me for being this way… for feeling this way.

I’ve spent some time trying to reflect on these things and why I am so bothered and so far, I am not making any progress. I’ve been trying to find a way to spend my Holy Week not wallowing and being upset. I think I’ve been over analyzing things and one small thought just snowballs into bigger complications. I just want peace of mind, that’s all.

Then I thought, what the heck am I being bothered for when I am supposed to remember and commemorate Christ’s sufferings and death and be thankful for I have been saved – all of us actually. I’ve got all the time to reflect on my sins, on my issues in life, and of what I have failed to do to make Christ’s sacrifice all worth it. Probably, this is the best time for my own retreat. I don’t really know what may come out of it but at least it feels like my cat’s weight has somehow been lifted off my shoulders.

Good Read here.

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