Holiday Drama

Posted on: December 27, 2008

I haven’t really been in front of my monitor since my sister’s wedding (‘coz I had to do their AVPs), much less blog and surf the net since I posted my last entry here. It’s not that long but a lot of drama has took over my life in that short span of time. My fingers have been itching to write them all down but I guess I just couldn’t find the time. Actually, this holiday break gives me all the time in the world without the hassle of thinking about work but I am actually resolved to putting it all to waste… tsk… bad…

This is the first time in months (or years) that I have felt rested yet tired and anxious and oblivious to the ticking of the time. It seems like all I want to do is stare at space and make my mind wander off to somewhere far where I could practically smell the breeze and count the stars.

What I’m saying is, I haven’t done anything productive in the ten days that I’ve been away from work (I’m counting since the 18th where I took a half day leave and never showed my face in our office until the Christmas party last Monday, 22nd). I’ve been dead for three days (pardon the morbidity but I was really almost… details later).

Always a Maid of Honor, But When Will I Be the Bride?

Oh, cut the BullSh*t! I’ve been MOH only twice in my life and it both happened the latter part of this year. First last October at my highschool bff (hah!) Elizabeth’s wedding and about a week ago at my sister’s wedding. Never a Bridesmaid… always the MOH but as the nagging question goes: When will I be the bride?

Don’t get me wrong. I am not asking myself this and I am no hurry at all. But a lot of people (especially my clan!) seem to be haunted by the very idea of my single-ness more than me. And the pressure is on! I mean ON like a flickering sign post at some random gay bar in Malate or that light bulb that used to inhibit Einsten’s brain. I’ve never been pressured about my LOVElife (if I have any) and I am getting tired of it. It’s like having that dream where I wear that wedding gown I fancy and I keep on running, only to find myself that I’m not really running from anyone but instead, I am running on a threadmill. It’s really frustrating and tiring.

Pardon the exaggeration but I’ve perused all the fingers in both my hands and feet on the number of times that I’ve been asked on when would it be my turn. My grandma, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my friends, our neighbors, some people I don’t even know and probably, my cat Miyo and dog Wonbin, if only they could talk. And believe me, I am almost a pro in ducking this dreaded question every time some a** comes up to me and starts with the “So, Thet…” line. I’ve only got three answers: 1) “After ten years”; 2) “Nagpapayaman pa ‘ko” (Not until I’m filthy and disgustingly rich); and 3) “I don’t know” (followed by a smile and a disappearing act even before the person can come up with a follow-up banter). I’ve programmed myself to blurt these three out whenever needed and in no particular order. It’s like whatever pops in my head comes out of my mouth and the way I deliver them depends on who asks. They may come with a smile, a smirk, a rolling of the eyes, a shrug… whatever.

And I always get the same response: “Aha-ha..ha!” As if something like that is something to make fun of. It’s not funny. Darn insensitive schmucks.

I’m not bothered I tell you. I am just tired (of it) and when you are tired, you can get easily annoyed and you tend to see flashbacks of not so good memories and it eats up half of your functioning brain and then you go… flatline.

What I WAS really sad about is the feeling that my sister has been taken away from me. It’s silly I know because she wasn’t but that was how it felt at first. We’ve been too close and I am so used to having her around me and her quirky weird little habits and I am missing them all big time. Like, when I wake up, I’ve had this habit of looking up at her side of the room and waking her up with a hug or a tickle or snuggling with her only to annoy her. I miss her teeth-grinding and snoring which used to piss the hell out of me. Hell, I even miss her passing gas and burping habits early in the morning. (Sorry ate, never meant to diss your yucky habits… hehe!) All I can think of now is that I’m free of those and her hubby has to bear it all… bwahaha!

But a week into her marriage and my being solo in the room, I guess I’m getting that hang of things. I haven’t touched any of my stuff and I haven’t re-arranged it in time for the new year but I will. Plus, have I mentioned, they live in a room that my mom used to rent out to others just below mine? =)

26 and Still A ‘Stokwa’ (Stow Away)

Yup. I ran away again. But I am back now, obviously.

I told you that this holiday was nothing but drama for me. My mom and I had a row three days before Christmas and because of the burden I was fighting off inside me, my mind was in no condition to function so I resorted to the easiest way out. Drenched in tears, I packed my bags (three of them) and left home in the wee hours of December 23rd.

My destination? Victory Liner Pasay Terminal. I thought I could spend some time in the coolest place in the Philippines to cool off my steaming head. I was determined to go to Baguio.

So at about 4 in the morning, I was in line together with other chance passengers for the subsequent trips to my ‘home’ up north. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) all the trips were fully booked and the next available one wasn’t until 11am. I was too numb to feel anything. I was swallowed by anger and frustration and at that time, I felt so uninhibited that if I had my passport with me, I could have gone straight to the airport and took whichever available flight to any destination in Asia. But a small part of me was banging my head, trying to keep it reasonable. So, I settled for Baguio and waited in line.

One hour. Two hours passed. Clad in that little blue dress I was wearing at the party I attended the night before, with my laptop [backpack] bag, mini duffel bag and handbag in tow, I stood there in line, crying my eyes out, not caring about anything in the world. I see people staring at me and I stare back. I was thinking but all those thoughts were nothing but messy jumbled snippets of what have and what would happen should I push through with my plan (if you could call it that). Where would I go there? Would there be any available hotel rooms? How long would I stay there? Can I really spend Christmas away from home, by myself, sad and angry?

Then the lady guard motioned for me to come forward and aboard the bus. Finally, I earned my seat! That was 6am already. But as if I was hit by a slap in the face, I shook my head and told her she could give my seat to somebody else. I will just wait. She obviously looked confused thinking why on earth would I give up that seat after two hours of standing in line. I can only smile and settle myself on a nearby table. Hugging my duffel bag tight, I just sat there for hours… maybe about two or three hours… not doing anything. Just sitting there and thinking. I didn’t move once. I looked like somebody who just lost someone dear. Yes I did, I lost myself at that moment. I wasn’t about to go home. I just decided not to push through with my Baguio plan.

The rest of this story is history. I wasn’t suppose to go back home but my sister and her hubby fetched me wherever I was at that time and as if nothing happened, I spent the latter part of the day tiring myself out, shopping. No sleep whatsoever…

I went home late, looking totally messed up. I didn’t talk for the next couple of days. I locked myself in my room, almost bed ridden, crying myself to sleep. I had no Noche Buena. I didn’t greet anyone ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Holidays’. I immersed myself in my sorrow and it welled up pretty overwhelming. As I’ve told you, I felt dead.

Christmas day, I was asleep ’til 1pm… or at least I was pretending. I ignored the world outside. That is until my mom came up to my room and convinced me to get up. She apologized, I apologized and we made up. And I ran after Christmas. After all, it wasn’t too late.

But it is pretty late now. Clock reads 3:50am. I must have missed blogging too much that I wrote yet another chapter in my novel.

Happy Holiday everyone! v(^_^)v

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