A fury that shouldn’t have been there.

Posted on: June 14, 2008

When I get mad, I really get mad – crazy, I mean. I tend to forgo all kinds of reasonings and I become deaf and blind to all possible explanations. I also become mute – I don’t talk to anyone at all. Like an imbecile and an autistic person, I lock myself in my own world, repelling anyone or anything that would try to break down my doors. I get so caught up in my own thoughts, letting the ‘anger poison’ seep in deeper into my veins. And as if it is some kind of a potion that gives me strength and power, I feel so uninhibited and it makes me feel like I can say and do anything and just abash any poor fellow that would stand (clueless-ly) in my way.

Take for instance an incident with my boss a year or so ago. I was so mad at him that I almost forgot that he’s my boss and he could kick my working ass anytime he pleases. The thing was I felt that his ‘belittling thet’ is way going below the belt and I was really offended. I felt that he was undermining my capability and the tactless (and heartless) guy that he is, he loved showing [it] off at my expense. So, one day while we were in a meeting, my anger silently erupted. I antagonized him by not talking and looking at him at all – even if he was addressing me – in front of his visitors. I kept mum, paralyzed there in my seat, not caring at all how he would react or anybody would for that matter. I was so angry that talking might bring out that burning fury and hatred that was sure to have made the situation more ugly. I think I got the message across because right after the meeting, he asked me what the hell my problem was and asked me to see him in his office. The hard-headed stubborn little me didn’t falter – I hid from him the rest of the day, not wanting to talk, or if possible, not wanting to have to do with the jackass anymore. I guess I won that battle because he became a little nicer to me the following days, weeks even and he didn’t bother bringing up that incident anymore.

While there are times that this helps me get by (and prove my point), I am not proud of this part of me because I tend to hurt a lot of people. My fury is a fire that consumes me, sometimes almost burning bridges and I regret it – truly. The problem is my mind automatically shuts down and the only thing that it retains is the fact that I am angry and I don’t care. I hate and I loathe and I say hurtful things or do things that could really cut deep into someone’s heart. In the end, I can only say, ‘I am so truly sorry’. Thinking about it now, it makes me realize even more how this reflects my immaturity in handling the bitter bits and pieces of the realities of life – that it is not always on my side and I can’t get all I want. I am such a life brat – spoiled and rotten and wanting to change.

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