Archive for October 2007

What am I doing losing my way?

Good Tuesday morning! I hope this will be one helluva different week – more positive and productive and filled with smiles and laughter. I guess I am tired of succumbing to hopelessness and too much negativity.

As much as this dark cloud clings to my head everytime I’m in the office, I am trying to look outside my office window where the sun shines today like it is keeping its promise.

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We had a slumber ‘party’ last weekend at Ria’s place in South Forbes. Hell, her house is so darn huge like those houses I see only in soap operas and movies. I was, how do you call it… ‘house struck’?

And this weekend, I was invited by Chinchin to join their little outing in La Luz, Laiya, Batangas… Can’t wait… beach… beach… here I come. =)

I am having regrets… this feeling that I hate the most. This wasn’t suppose to happen. I said I would try very hard to ignore this urge… I knew it would lead me to damnation…

I shouldn’t have cut my hair. And now, I’m missing it already… = (

I was just suppose to accompany my friend Chinchin to this Korean Salon in West of Ayala ‘coz she wants to get her hair fixed. But then, I found all the justification to splurge 500 bucks on my hair (it’s starting to annoy me anyway, I want to sport a short ‘do, I want a new look, blah… blah… blah), I succumbed to my whim and entrusted my mane to this gay Korean guy who probably doesn’t know how to smile. And it was actually my first time to see a Korean gay guy and it amused me a little… ehehe…

It was probably the language. He didn’t understand me or he misunderstood my instructions… I don’t know. As far as I can remember, I was very clear “I want this hairstyle” (while pointing to an image in their hairstyle index… “Not too short… up to here only… (while pointing to a spot just above my boob).

But no. The hair cut was a freaking disaster… it’s too short. I feel like Go Eun Chan / Yoon Eun-Hye (not that I am as pretty as her…hehe) in Coffee Prince. I look like a guy… waaahhh….
I look like this —>>> (I am not as happy as I look believe me…)

Then maybe it has its rewards… This gay guy I saw yesterday at the conference I attended in Tagaytay might actually fall in love with me, thinking that I am a guy… hehe. He looks like Lee Jun Ki.. he’s such an eye candy.. I drooled. Hehe.. Exag. I still can’t get over the fact that he made my heart leaped over Mt. Everest and dropped peach-like the moment he opened his mouth. It was so frustrating. Grr… They say when you’re heart broken, move on… there are still many fishes in the sea. Problem is, these fishes want to eat their own kind… they huddle together… and they f*** (bleep) together. Oh, man!

This Chinese singer, Nicholas Teo looks like my faffy Jae Won… And I thought ‘ngangabunch’s’ (as my deluded gay cousin calls him) face is unique… tee-hee! Anyway, Nicholas Teo is a very good singer. I like his songs, especially this one…

I’ve been dead for two and a half days – last weekend to be exact. I went home earlier than usual (around 3pm) last Friday because of a head-splitting headache and nausea. I vomited thrice that afternoon and I went into a deep slumber. I have no idea what happened next…

I’ve been like this – dead on the inside — for the last couple of weeks. I live through numerous prescription drugs and minimal food intake that I usually take out of my system even before they have stayed long enough in my stomach for digestion. I feel so weak that my eyes hurt at the slight sight of bright lights and my muscles and joints feel perpetually exhausted.

But today morning, I mustered up all the strength that’s left in me to go to work. I am probably straining myself too much and the consequences aren’t pretty. I wish I could just lie down all day and not worry about work and the pending write-ups that I have. I wish I wouldn’t have to stress myself because of yet another delayed release of this magazine I’m handling.

I feel so numb; I’m half-asleep, half-awake. My eyes are open but they don’t recognize anything. Everything seems to be dictated by the slow condescending feeling that makes me want to immerse myself in complete isolation. I hear my slow steady breathing but I can’t feel my own soul. It left me already.

Why do I feel this dead when I’m still alive?

This was the first time in months (or probably years?) that I reached the office before 7 am and damn, it felt good. I was always telling my friend Gelai that it was sort of my dream to be at the office early in the morning, watch the sunrise through my office window while sipping a hot cup of coffee, mesmerized by the beauty of (albeit polluted) Makati skyline and indulging in the sweetness of silence.
I’m having a hard time focusing on writing these days and I thought it might be a good therapy for my already rusting brain…

Ordinary day, ordinary phase in an ordinary life of an ordinary soul. I still feel so sick inside… holes inside… As Joe Brooks said “…’coz sometimes, faith and your dreams will collide…”

I feel like I have this ‘gi-normous’ (if there is such a term) hole inside of me that sucks the last ounce of the cheerful me… I am becoming black.

What am I doing with my life? I honestly don’t know. I am probably in that point where I should be certain about what I am doing and yet, I don’t really know which direction am I heading. It’s suppose to be simple and clear. I could easily enumerate all the things that I have right now and those that I would want to have in the future. I mean, I am living with my family, I have a job, I love my job (it’s different from loving where you are exactly), I love my friends at work, I love the things that I have at work – from the laptop computer that have been so “graciously” given to me (so that I wouldn’t have any reason not to do my job well…) to my little multi-colored post-its and to my overly abused coffee cup. They make me happy. Those little things make my day.

But why do I feel like sh*t these days? I feel like I have no direction at all. My everyday routine is turning into a vicious cycle – either I do or I don’t. Probably it’s the rule of life and I have to stick to it no matter what but this is the point where the character turns suicidal. If only I could put a bullet in my head, then I’d probably have nothing more to complain about. I am starting to sound so deluded and out of my wits but I really feel so low. Work is putting too much pressure on me and I need some time to digress. I need some time to be alone. I want to hide myself in a little cupboard on a one-way-ticket train heading somewhere far. Sometimes people wonder why someone who seems to have everything suddenly ends everything.

I have lots of dreams – I want to apply for scholarships abroad and continue writing. I want to write my own novel someday – chic lit, some Pulitzer-prize worthy sh*t or a self-help book, it doesn’t matter. I want to be published and be taken seriously as a professional journalist. I want to be my own captain or work for someone that is worth calling a ‘boss’ and not some stupid f*ck who thinks peoples’ lives revolves at the palm of his hands because he feeds them… sanctimonious pile of dung.

*This is probably my entry which has the most number of cuss words in it…

I am not angry. I am pissed off. I am frustrated and ‘am half-tempted to sleep and never wake up. How come it is so damn easy to smile when deep inside, you’re mourning for yourself and the death of your happiness? I can easily forget sadness when I see people and talk to friends and bombard myself with worries about what I haven’t done yet that needs to be done and what I shouldn’t have done. I forget the pain and the tugging feelings of brain torture, regret, heartache and who – in heaven’s name – knows. Sometimes, no matter how I love being around some people, I tend to pull myself away for fear of giving them the impression that I am giving myself away too much. Friends come and go but little do they know that a part of me dies along with those who killed my trust and respect.

I miss being carefree and being stupid not caring whether the world thinks I am just a gum on a side street, ready to piss the hell out of someone. I miss being invisible yet important and loved. I miss smiling for someone. I miss laughing for no one. I miss ME.


Today is…

October 2007
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