And so?

Posted on: October 10, 2006

12:57 pm

Yes, it’s Tuesday… lunchtime already but I haven’t had a glimpse of Asian Quality yet… ginagalit yata talaga ko ng printer ah… grrr… Anyway, nothing to do but wait. I can practically hear Guns ‘N Roses singing “All we need is just a little patienceeeee” (haaay Lord, if you’re listening right now, just give me that… just this once… malapit na talaga akong sumabog)


Anyway, while lazily browsing the net (for blogs) I came across an old [estranged] friend’s blog. It saddens me actualy to realize that it’s been almost 2 (or 3 yrs?) since we last talked like friends. As she puts it: it’s been long since she gave up our friendship to help her move on from a very unpretty experience with an old flame [which happens to be one of my best buddies].

I didn’t even remembered her birthday like I used to. It’s really sad. Though I still wish her all the happiness in life, every achievement that she deserves and finally, a peaceful and serene life with the people she loves even if it means completely cutting me off her life.

But I am thankful that somehow she remembers me, she misses our friendship like the way I miss it. I miss it terribly in fact that instead of going through the hurt all over again, I choose to shun it out of my thoughts. But then, fate lets me read this and I feel the hurt again. I miss her.

I remembered this last blog I wrote about her:

About an old friend (… i miss dearly)

Normally, i would care less about a whole lot of things that i know would not really do me any good. I harbored the idea when once in my life i got really pissed off at someone, got offended, cried like it would never end and felt like a total loser. Consequently, i got mad [at myself] for succumbing to that conquest and i promised myself i would never let it happen again. I want to be tough and forego that ‘cry baby’ i once used to be. As they say, “No more Ms. Nice Girl”

But being nice and being sensitive are two entirely different things. I can be mean but still be sensitive to the idea of me hurting people (although some people can really be intoxicated by an utter lack of disrespect of others like this queen bitch i know… die bitch… die!!! hehe.. sorry, got carried away). I hate the idea of hurting. I hurt before because of so many things; the usual experiences a person goes through (maybe once or twice) in his lifetime, which i am thankful for because they eventually made me more enduring and faithful. So where am i leading?

While lazily browsing the net, an old friend came into mind. She WAS my best friend. (or so she thinks because i haven’t given up on her yet). This friendster thing really is something — it fills the gap of estranged friends, re-builds burnt bridges or, in this one particular odd case, cut loose the thinning thread that trussed me and this old friend. It’s hard (and too long) to explain how it did it, but it just did. I used to be angered by the tought of how it all started — of how one single and absurd entry made her assume that i was turning my back on her. That i was taking sides, got brainwashed, lost my senses — became a useless friend. I was so hurt it still stings up to now.

She said she had to cut any ties that bound us for her to move from an ugly past to a better life. She said it hurt her too but it just doesn’t make any sense. I did not choose to be entangled in a web i did not create. I did not hankered after to be like ‘Samson’ wedged between those bashing rocks. It was like i was just caught in the middle of a warfare i did not wish to be a part of. I felt so helpless and offended, i didn’t even had the chance to defend myself. It was like being left by a long-time boyfriend for another… guy (nah, i mean girl); Only ten times the pain. It was just — like that.

Has it been a year now? I don’t know… i lost track of time. A few months ago, while busy getting on with my life i saw her at the mall (with her mom). It was like seeing her for the first time (that time when we were still in highschool). i really didn’t care if she saw me or maybe i was just pretending i didn’t. I knew she saw me, even looked at me with a stranger’s eyes, an inept glance that needs no words to say ‘The hell i care about you!’ The world seemed languid at that moment. Then she was gone. After about fifty seconds of self-debate, i decided i needed to talk to her. I am not that kind of friend who just gives up that easy… no, I am not prepared to loose a friend. i ran after her… i browsed the crowd, hoping crazily to spot a girl with that hot pink shirt. i looked everywhere and gave up eventually.

So much for my illusion that we will be alright. Maybe we will… but in another time. Not just now. I still think of her. I miss those times that we saw the world in one paradigm. Where our minds meet and we care much less about other people as long as we are happy. I often think about our usual girly rendezvous — malling, [window] shopping, one time trip at the spa, plotting on how to conquer the world and other crazy dreams. We even had this one that we will be successful working girls in the land of Uncle Sam. Well, I guess those will just remain at that. But I still smile at those thoughts. I have nothing else but to wish her well and let her know how proud I am of her [surviving the roughest tests of time]. I know she’s well-healed now and I still love her for it.

And now i am living my life for all its worth. I am transferring to a new job, ready to meet people, new friends, while still keeping the old ones. I present myself to the world — i need not hibernate. Life, it’s too damn short to waste.

Now, we go on with our lives as if nothing happened. I can tell she is happy and God knows how glad I am that she is. Me? I am still struggling — with my career, with my lovelife, my spiritual life, my family. But I know I’ll get there in time.

One thing’s for sure, If I see her right now, I’d never hesitate to hug her.


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