Archive for May 2006
Has the world turned suddenly upside down? I caught the monster smiling at me; I’m not sure if it was the usual vile smirk I’m seeing but it still gave me that ethereal feeling. It wasn’t true at all. But he did put me in the spot. Was he trying to make amends? Was he trying to win back that sick little kitten ‘who’ was too subservient to be true?
One thing is for sure. I am not giving in. He put up the red flag and now I’m waving it [furiously]against him. And no, I’m not giving in. He pushed… I pushed harder… away from him… away from the ruthless arms that strangles the last breath of self-respect. I’m winning it back; I didn’t lose it in the first place.
Quoting the great ‘Churchill’, “I will never give up…” not until his stone cold heart turns out to be as warm as the smile of a skylark (does it even smile?). For now, I will traverse these thorny paths until I reach the dreamland that awaits me. It’s not too long; it will be soon. I can already taste it – the sweet soothing taste of glory.
– Ode to the monster that gobbled me up whole as a birthday gift –
It may be this headache that’s been killing me for the last couple of hours or I just woke up on the wrong side of my itsy-bitsy bed.
I am really annoyed and pissed off and bothered at work today. it’s weird because I can’t tell what really causes me this torment but I have a slight idea of what it might be. Ang gulo… leche. I’d bet my bottom peso — about 75% of my gloomy attitude is because of work. I am f***ing feeling it again — the helplessness; the feeling that you are nothing but s**t; a freeloader to this profit-making factory (the burning pits of hell on earth). And I swear to God, I know within myself that I’m not even half close to this.
To hell with the people that make me miserable. I love life, it loves me back… die & rot asswipes.
10 am– I haven’t done much. maybe because it’s Monday. We all the have the weekend hang-over. But then again, maybe it’s just me…
At the count of three, I’m gonna be officially ill… 1… 2… 3…
I feel like I’m coming down with a flu; a week-long flu that will get me bed-ridden, immobile, useless, hurting all over because of painful joints and aching muscles, light-headed… yet peaceful (^_^) – no workload and s**t…
I am sensitive – extremely sensitive. I can laugh at the silliest jokes (only I could appreciate) and shed tears a-la-Maria Cristina falls just by listening to Pachelbel’s Canon in D. I wouldn’t try to explain.
Yesterday, my onion-skin like emotional “aptitude” was put to the test. Just when I thought I felt the worst in this hell-on-earth cleverly disguised as a ‘money factory’, I saw what is probably next to it. I was scheduled for a meeting with the Public Relations Manager of this huge company that I was trying to get for the CEO Profile of this (as you all know, I assume) magazine that I am putting together. The meeting place, aside from its unforgivable farness to Makati where my office is, is unfamiliar to me ‘coz I haven’t been there. Adding up to my qualms was the heavy downpour brought about by the first storm of the summer. Our company service was suppose to take me since I arranged for it a day before to make sure that my transportation will be secured. Heaven knows what happened but to make the story short, I ended up commuting my ass off to get to my destination – 30 f*@%ng minutes late. Nakakahiya di ba? Maybe the good heaven blessed my crying soul and granted that PR person to be nice enough not to embarrass me. The meeting went on for about 30-45 minutes and a little before 5pm, I was done. And I thought everything would be fine by then. It turned out my ride home (or back to the office) will not be able to make it as well. Grrr… So I was stuck in land far far away, in a stormy night with noting but self-assurance that I will be okay and I don’t have to make matters worse by being mad about the situation. Instead, I waited patiently for nearly two hours for my heroes – Kaching and ChinChin who went all the way to where I was, storm, traffic and all. I love them.
What annoys me about this whole situation is the reason why everything that was planned was practically shunned to give way to bureaucracy. I hate it. It is vile; it is evil. For the most part, it saddens me that even in a kingdom where there isn’t really any king, that stupid concept prevails. I wasn’t given a ride because the wife (?) of Mr. So-And-So, a high company official, just arrived and needs a ride from the airport. She was given priority of course. And I thought we are advocates of professionalism. Pity. Or, a colleague suddenly needs a ride from where the hell he’s coming from and without the slightest hint of sympathy to that someone (ak.a. me) gets the ride for himself. Jerk.
What saddens me the most is what I often feel about this whole thing – I am unappreciated.
Over-reacting or not, I was pissed.
It’s only been three days [now] since I got back from my vacation with my family in Boracay but it didn’t feel like I really went away for a time. With the load of work that I have right now, I could use some more vacation if given a chance. While I’m here doing all the dirty work to make this magazine a reality, my mind’s off somewhere, probably catching some ZZzzsss while basking in the glory of the sun and sipping its favorite choco-banana-peanut shake from Jonas’ in Station 1.
It’s just so sad.
The little time I had spent with my family during that five-day (in total) vacation was like medication in a way. It, temporarily rid of the incessant head throbbing everytime I think about AQ (the magazine); it made me high I thought I could die =)
I didn’t wanna go back until I wake up and prove to myself that this is all just a dream. That I’ve been sleeping for the past ten months and I was just too tired to break this slumber. The last thing I could remember was that I was a happy-go-lucky business reporter who didn’t care about anything or anybody just as long as I could submit my story; then I’m done. I had my own sweet time and I indulge on my craziest whims without worrying at all on anything. Haaay… how did I ever come to this?
You know what the ironic part is? I hate complaining. I hate hearing people complain. I hate being the subject of complaints and I hate myself for complaining about where I am right now. I must stop. Now. Else, I will be more miserable than ever.
How many breaks will I need before I can truly say that I am happy about what I am doing? Ten more Boracay visits? A week in Purto Galera? A month in Baguio where I lived half of my adult life? I guess it’s hard to tell. Thanks to these people around me, I still have this little piece of sanity left — although just hanging by a goddamn thread.