Archive for April 2006
Why is it that mornings are becoming least and least interesting as each day goes by? She was thinking to herself: How long can people last to endure its sweet repulsiveness? The traffic jams are no more than lullabies to a listless soul, the crowded walkways in the piazza where countless human stink – at least on a glorified level – amalgamate to enthrall your still sleeping wits.
Another day of cold battle, she thought to herself as she made her way [still] giddily to the bathroom. If only she could wash out all that has transpired the previous day and the day before that – if only it’s as simple as that, then maybe life would still be the rainbow-colored realm her childhood has instilled upon her. Or what if these childhood memories are not that even sweet and her subconscious is just trying to keep cover of the hurtful ones? Ah, that is just some lame thought that is being played upon by a sensibility that’s lost and prowled upon by life – the miserable one.
What would it take to regain what was there – that tiny spark of hope, that craving for triumph and the bidding to stay afloat no matter how strong the current goes? What was there was gone the moment her feet took her to the pits of this burning hell; a chaos of the realm – the underworld of the tangible. She had the time to turn back before it gobbled her up whole. She was mystified.
What is that sadness behind her eyes?
Because I am too fond of reading my horoscope, here’s what it says today:
You are approaching a major turning point today. Get ready to make some changes.
It’s a long road, this life, and it’s full of big questions. But go ahead and try to work out solutions to the immediate problems. Taking a practical approach might be just the ticket. Clean your room, organize your office, make sure your bills are in order and then go out at night. Time with friends can be a needed relief from all those solitary ‘where does this road go anyhow’ questions.
It really amazes me. My self is in a complete disarray right now; or at least my thoughts. I thought a quarter life crisis only happens once yet here I am,convinced that I am standing atop a cliff right now, hanging on for dear life.
I feel really bad. = (
I’m currently pissed off at myself. I know it’s the last thing a person should feel (because if you won’t love yourself, whoelse will, ‘ayt?). I feel like I’m being a pathological liar to my own self. i keep denying things, emotions, feelings… whatever. I feel like I’m masking whatever it is that’s inside me. There is nothing more sad than feeling sad within yourself and showing others how happy you are on the outside. Not that I am being sad or anything but I’m not just my old happy self anymore and I really really miss it. I hate being like this. I hate how I usually find myself staring at nothing for what seemed like an eternity without anything on my mind really. Geez, do I need medical attention?
I hate thinking how I felt like I found myself in someone and lost it all at the same time. I did not die; I am hibernating. I am loving the serenity of my own world — my peace.
Can I ever ever come back?
Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you suddenly banged your head and woke up from a deep slumber? That feeling where you felt like seeing again for the first time?
It’s hard to tell if what you’re feeling [at that moment] is actually true. But you certainly do not want that feeling to just pass you by; you want to hold on to it. It gives you a certain level of exhiliration after being caged [in your own perception of things as dictated or implored upon by whatever’s holding you captured at that moment] for quite a long time. I certainly want to hold on to this feeling.
So what’s my point? Later.
On my way to work this morning, I’m bombarded with lots of thoughts (ang hilig kase mag-isip) with Manong Driver humming along to the “Total Eclipse of the Heart” song that was playing in the background. Not that it’s annoying, but really, it was kind of distracting.
First, I am really furious with my brother for not going home (without our permission) last night. I felt like I tolerated his being a spoiled pain-in-the-ass attitude by actually helping him find the resources for his little outing. Ay nako, that kid will really get it from me later when I get home.
(pause) whoa… My boss is here… I thought he’d be in Cebu today… nyarks… =/
Anyway, just last week, I was caught up in a dilemma about work. Well, I guess it’s been solved already. Yesterday, my friend called to tell me that she’s turning down the job. Apparently, there were some changes on the original set up that didn’t please her much. So I guess the same goes for me. And I guess I’ll be stuck in this office for quite some time. Actually, I think it’s kind of a blessing in disguise (I hope I am right) since now, I actually have to finish Asian Quality. And did I tell you, the Asian Quality (the person) is coming back… =)
Eto yung mga araw na tinatamad ang lahat ng tao sa opis na magtrabaho… madalas ito tuwing Sabado — yung mga araw na hinihiling mo na sana ay natutulog ka pa at walang pwedeng umistorbo sa’yo, dahil araw ito ng pahinga.
Eto yung mga araw na imbes na itinutuloy mo ang mga naudlot mong “to-do’s” sa nakalipas na linggo, ay nagdo-download ka ng kung anu-anong kanta sa limewire o nagche-check ng emails, o nakikipagdaldalan, o simpleng nakatunganga lang.
Eto yung mga araw na longer-than-usual ang conversations namin with Jean over the phone without feeling really guilty.O di kaya, hindi masyadong pansin kung pumasok man ng late ang mga tao.
Eto yung mga araw na justifiable magsuot ng kung anu-anong damit ang mga tao (rugged, girlash look, mukhang a-attend ng party, mukhang papasok sa mosh-pit, mukhang magmo-mall lang, you decide.) na hindi pupunahin ni Sir Madagascar… hehe.
Eto yung mga araw na hindi masyadong Toxic si Kay, habang nagpapatugtog lang ng music sa ‘boom-the-base’ nyang speaker. Minsan, generation gap. =)
Eto yung mga araw na okay lang magtitigan maghapon ang lovebirds sa aming maliit na kahon (kung sino sila, kilala nyo na).
Higit sa lahat, okay lang akong mag-blog hangga’t gusto ko. (“,)
just the other day, i was sooo excited to tell people about my Hong Kong experience. Well, actually, there’s really so much to tell; I just don’t have the gusto to write about it. Now, I’m suppose to be working on some things — my real work and the ‘on the sides’ — but hell, just when I am starting to gain my momentum to finish some stuffs for my Asian Quality, Wayne invaded my little own working world to use my PC and I am here at his table blogging myself away. Haayy, this guy, I could really kill… grrr…
Anyway, I am once again torn by a dilemma that only me could answer. My question is, if you’re not really happy with what you are doing, but you still have the propensity to do it, would you just give up and flush everything that you’ve started working on down the drain?
A friend called me up the other day to tell me that she’s in need of an assistant in Public Relations (PR) and I am the perfect candidate. In short, she wants me to work “for” her. The PR job is really something that I wanted to do, after my journalism career episode (whoa, did i just say that?!?!). Well, based on her offer, the pay is good but it is not really something to brag about but it will definitely help me go by. And the opportunity to become a core part of a newly-established department in a well-known government bureau is not really something I could just pass up. In other words, I would really love to have that job.
My dilemma: I am not sure if just resigning amid all these Asian Quality madness is the right thing to do. It is already moving and I would love to be a part of this endeavor. I woud surely love to see its first issue printed. But it is not coming out until July, so there.
Second, I will surely miss the company of my friends here — these people whom I have grown to love more each day. Another working setting would mean another set of people to know and not really please but work in harmony with.
Anyway, I’ll have to decide sooner if I really want to get a hold of that job. This makes me sad really.