infinite battle to keeping my sanity

Posted on: March 28, 2006

yea… I almost got “it” again… almost because even before he erupted, I was able to put out the fire. I don’t get it. Why are some people so mean? It’s like they get some sort of satisfaction when they make people feel bad about themselves? Do they reach some kind of Nirvana when they show their ugly side to other people? Do they feel like they are the Alpha and the Omega when they see some people cringe at their every whim?

***
do you know that feeling where you seem to like someone but suddenly decided against it because you know it is wrong… or maybe not even wrong… maybe you’re just afraid that the entire universe thinks it is not meant to be? have you experienced looking at that person in the eye and see the two of you together and blink only to find out it’s all just in the deepest recesses of your imagination? There is longing yet it is suppressed. He touches your hand but you hesitantly pull back afraid that there is nothing really beyond that? I call it “Stupidity”. That’s me right now.
***
Someone’s coming back… but not really coming back. Maybe a preview? I think God just wanted to see me smile even for just a while. In the last few days, I always see that sweet smile of his teasing me — “Hey, you miss me?” Hell, I do… a lot. I could care less about what others may think. It’s been a while, they say. Can’t I get over it? Not yet. Not now. I know I am a stubborn little schmuck. But I cannot be the great pretender when it comes to this person. With him, I am an open book. I say what I feel — yes, amid teardrops and heartaches. So why am I shaking?
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March 2006
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