Archive for March 2006

yey… it’s my first day in hongkong and it’s really really cool… found this coffee shop that has a free internet use… three more days to go… three more days of [hopefully] heaven… (“,)

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March 29, 2006
Miyerkules
Sa Opis.

Buhay nga naman. No matter how hard you try to work things out, they may not always come out the way you want them to. Ang daming tanong sa isip ko ngayon. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting up with this s**t? Alam ko sasabihin ng ibang tao, kung hindi ka na masaya, then move on. ‘Wag mong pilitin ang sarili mo na gawin ang mga bagay na hindi mo feel gawin.’ Sana nga ganun lang kasimple. Kase kung ganun lang, siguro wala akong problema ngayon; walang taong may problema ngayon. Walang spice ang buhay.

Bakit nga ba kinakailangan pang lagyan ng spice ang mga bagay-bagay. Sa lovelife, ‘pag laging magkasundo ang boyfriend at ang girlfriend, sasabihin boring ang relationship. Walang kabuhay-buhay. ‘Pag lagi naming nag-aaway, mauuwi sa hiwalayan. Sa trabaho, ‘pag walang ka-challenge-challenge ang pinapagawa sa’yo, sasabihin mo nagiging stagnant ka, walang growth. ‘Pag may challenge naman, hindi lilipas ang isang minuto sa isang araw na hindi ka magrereklamo sa sobrang dami ng gagawin mo.

Ang tao laging maraming tanong. Minsan, sa sobrang talino pati ang mga bagay na simple lang ang sagot, pinakukumplikado. Minsan tuloy ayaw kong maniwalang may taong kontento na sa buhay nila. Maari pa, madaming taong masaya sa buhay nila – yung mga hindi nagpapaapekto sa mga taong nagbu-bwisit. Yung mga tipong sa simpleng bagay lang, sumasaya na ang araw (ako yata yun). Pero ‘di ibig sabihin, kuntento na sa buhay nila. Marami pa din silang hinahanap; yun nga lang, hindi dito nakasalalay ang buong buhay at pagkatao nila. May longing na tinatawag at hangga’t kaya ay gagawa ng paraan para makuha ang mga bagay na ito. Pero kung hindi kaya, e di hindi. May darating pa. Ganun lang. Nandoon yung pag-asang may darating pa.

Kung bakit ko tinatanong ang mga bagay na ito ay dahil wala lang akong maisulat sa “Message from the Managing Director” na pinapagawa ng boss ko. #

yea… I almost got “it” again… almost because even before he erupted, I was able to put out the fire. I don’t get it. Why are some people so mean? It’s like they get some sort of satisfaction when they make people feel bad about themselves? Do they reach some kind of Nirvana when they show their ugly side to other people? Do they feel like they are the Alpha and the Omega when they see some people cringe at their every whim?

***
do you know that feeling where you seem to like someone but suddenly decided against it because you know it is wrong… or maybe not even wrong… maybe you’re just afraid that the entire universe thinks it is not meant to be? have you experienced looking at that person in the eye and see the two of you together and blink only to find out it’s all just in the deepest recesses of your imagination? There is longing yet it is suppressed. He touches your hand but you hesitantly pull back afraid that there is nothing really beyond that? I call it “Stupidity”. That’s me right now.
***
Someone’s coming back… but not really coming back. Maybe a preview? I think God just wanted to see me smile even for just a while. In the last few days, I always see that sweet smile of his teasing me — “Hey, you miss me?” Hell, I do… a lot. I could care less about what others may think. It’s been a while, they say. Can’t I get over it? Not yet. Not now. I know I am a stubborn little schmuck. But I cannot be the great pretender when it comes to this person. With him, I am an open book. I say what I feel — yes, amid teardrops and heartaches. So why am I shaking?

I feel soooooo STUPID. I hate myself this instant.

Your eyes are like chestnuts falling from a tree
They were never fierce nor were too gentle
I gaze at them & they portray our silhouettes
Just mere shadows distant from reality.
I am certain that I know you; but do you know me?
We are strangers, locking arms, chaining hearts
Up to how long ’til our crossroads meet?
There are walls, barriers — I can no longer reach you.
My eyes are like stars falling from the night sky
In them were sadness, denial, brigtness that fades
You look at them with longing for you and me
Just mere shadows; we’re never too far from reality.
One lazy Sunday afternoon
***
I don’t actually know why I posted that picture… I guess it’s just so lovely.

214

Posted on: March 24, 2006

yes, my clock reads 2:14 am and still, I am like a mile away from dreamland. I guess the tall cafe latte that i consumed almost an hour ago is already taking effect. This, on top of my self-diagnosis that I have insomnia. I guess I’m not the only one; i am contemplating on sending an SMS to Kay, ChinChin, Vida and Tere to confirm my hunch that they’re still wide awake like me. tsk… tsk… the perils of too much caffeine intake.

An hour ago, the five of us were in Starbucks Old Greenbelt in our stingy pajamas and ‘pambahay’ short pants (except for Tere who still looked presentable in her jeans and casual top) laughing our a$$e$ off as we recount the happenings in the last 24 hours. And yes, we did the usual bashing — this time of our recent favorite subject — the ‘Muro Ami’ at work. Honestly, I don’t know why I called this person that — actually so don’t dare ask.

***
I get really upset when I remember the career opportunity that I’ve lost recently. Businessworld scheduled me for an exam for the reporter position. I didn’t saw their email until last night. The exam was last March 16. I missed it. I pray they’d reconsider… *sigh*

Inspired ako dahil kay Bob Ong. Dahil sa ‘Stainless Longganisa’.

Siguro mga isang oras at kalahati kong pinag-isipan kung gusto kong mag-update ng blog. At voila, nanaig ang pagnanasa (pangit ng term, parang may sen(x)sual connotation) kong maglabas ng mga matagal ko nang saloobin simula nang masabon, mabanlawan at maikula ako ni boss.

Isang linggo na ang dumaan simula nang umiyak ako sa pangalawang (o pangatlo?) pagkakataon dito sa ECCI. Yung dalawa work related, yung isa bunga lang ng kagagahan (At least, I rock! hehe) Nakakahiya mang aminin pero oo, napaiyak ako ng boss ko. E pusang gala, ikaw ba naman ang sigaw-sigawan sa harap ng mga ka-trabaho mo, sisihin ka sa isang (actually madaming) bagay na hindi mo naman ginawa. Siguro25% ng mga sinabi nya e totoo — wala (pang) nangyayari sa magazine na binubuo ko. E nasa early stages pa lang ako e. Kumbaga, baby pa, hinuhubog ko pa lang. Nasa stage ako ng paghahanap ng kung sinu-sinong Subject Matter Experts na pwedeng magsulat dun sa magazine. Teknikal kase, mahirap hanapan ng magsusulat. Kung lifestyle pa siguro ang tema, malamang nai-release na namin yung first issue. Pero hindi ko din masisisi yung boss ko, nadismaya lang siguro siya sa mala-pagong na pag-usad nung matagal niya nang pinapangarap. Ang sa ‘kin lang, yung paraan nya ng pagpapagalit, hindi normal, (hindi po ako sanay ng nasisigawan) nakakapanginig ng taba. Hay nako…

Anyway, naka-recover naman na ko matapos ang ilang araw ng pag-iisip-isip. Kung magmumukmok ako at magtatanim ng sama ng loob, walang mangyayari — tatamaring magtrabaho, papangit ang output ko, mapapagalitan (na naman), mapipikon ako, magagalit, iiyak, magre-resign, mawawalan ng trabaho, magiging isang malaking palamunin sa bahay, hindi makakabayad ng bills, madedemanda, magpi-feeling kawawa at … syempre, ang layo na ng naabot ng imahinasyon ko.

So, mas pinili kong gawing hamon ang isang scary figure na katulad ni ‘grandpa’ a.k.a. my boss. Kung may dapat man akong katakutan, hindi siya yun — pwede pa ipis na lumilipad tsaka dagang kasing-laki ng kuting. Parang sa teleserye, babangon ang bida at isasampal sa mukha nung antagonist nahindi siya basta-bastang pwedeng maliitin. Sana nga ganun, no?

***

Happy naman akong tao, mababaw lang ang kaligayahan – a week-long get-away to Boracay lang. Syempre, biro lang. Yung mga kababawan ko, mga simpleng kaligayahan sa buhay tulad ni Asian Quality (na tao), ni Anime (na tao ulit) at ng isang tall affogato style vanilla frap with a shot of espresso sa Starbucks, sila yung nagpapaganda ng araw ko; sila ang magdidikta ng gana kong kumilos at dumaldal sa isang buong maghapon.

Idagdag pa natin ang magulo at maingay na mundo ng Solutions. Sila ang mga taong kayang mag-cartwheel habang sumisinga, magkwento ng nakakatawa habang umiiyak at mang-impersonate ng mga taong walang kamalay-malay sa buhay. Mahal ko sila. Mahal din nila ako. Mahal namin ang isa’t-isa. Masaya kami. At oo, mahilig kaming magpa-picture (say sex) Ayayay!

Yan lang muna, kakain muna ko ng walang kamatayang meal from Uncle George — McDo.


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March 2006
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