Archive for November 2005
have you ever felt like an empty bottle floating into nothingness? a swirl of dust that has no clear direction or a lost raft in the vastness of the ocean? that’s what i am feeling right now. it’s hard to describe my thoughts; they all seem senseless to me. or maybe it was the other way around. maybe i was thinking too hard about too many things today that my little mind couldn’t handle them all. not that my screws all went loose but i can’t seem to focus on anything right now. I’ve accomplished a task or two, not because i have the will or the power to do them, but because i was left without a choice. Either do something or get another psyching out from my superior. i choose the former.
I am always awed by the fact that i could wake up one morning thinking that I am the happiest person alive only to find myself like in a complete disarray by the end of the day. arrrgggghhhhh…. i guess i am just not my usual happy self today.
there are about more than 60 billion [living and breathing] people in the philippines and i suppose atleast 75% of them are unhappy. okay, this is only an assumption [with no clear evidence whatsoever] but in my mind’s eye is more than accurate with the ‘hellish’ experience i’m going through today…
i’ve already made about hundreds of calls this afternoon, trying to update our company’s database for the magazine I am working for. this is the job that i hate more than having an old stingy cockroach suddenly fly out from somewhere. i love conversing with people and meeting with them but having to ask the same set of questions to different people on the other end of line (majority of which doesn’t know what proper phone etiquette means) is pushing my sanity to the limit. I am really not good at this… And thinking that there are about 12,000 plus companies in my list just makes me wanna hang myself. i know this job isn’t pathetic at all, but it’s just not my line.
okay, going back to who’s happy and who’s not, it’s funny how in just by hearing someone’s voice, you could actually look at that person’s eye and tell how well he / she is doing. I’ve been bombarded with impolite inquiries about what my calls are for. i don’t really get what part of “We just need to update our database” those people could not understand… It’s just half the day and people are already too tired sparing atleast half a minute to answer my simple questions. Either they are unhappy about their lives that it even manifests in the way they work or they are just having a bad day… whatever… they’re pissing me off.
never in my wildest dream did it occur to me that there would come a time when i will actually be the one confessing to a guy about my feelings towards him… this just happened… a while ago… between me and my pretty guy (well he’s not mine in the first place).
shakingly, i confessed everything that i feel … how i realized that i’ve been falling helplessly and how i feel really stupid for doing so. he said it was okay, that it was such a natural thing (how everybody gets to have crushes on so on and so forth) but what makes me sad is that he seems to deny the fact or atleast acknowledge that i am into him. he acted like he was my big brother, telling me what to do and how, one day, i would look back and just laugh at the thought. he even said that this might be just an infatuation. i was hurt and mad and sad… but there is nothing else i can do. i guess i’ve done my part. at least i don’t need to second guess and i have my peace of mind now. the question is… how to go about the next step considering that moving on is such a hard thing to do… this is the very reason why i fear being in-love. my heart always breaks in the end.
I thought everything’s going quite well and i thought this would be my ‘time’… I thought very wrong. All along i was actually hoping that something deep would transpire between me and the pretty guy. i was wishing for it the whole time without realizing that i am wanting more. And now I feel so low, sad, betrayed (but by whom?), cheated by circumstances and blinded by fate. I would never look at ‘serendipity’ the same ever again. I just learned today that the pretty guy has already resigned and would be reporting only until nov. 15, which, by the way, is only 12 days away, minus the three-day vacation and the two days that i would be out of the office the whole time — so that leaves me six days all in all to atleast see him provided he’ll be here at the office too. damn, i am sooooo sad. i am actually hating myself for feeling this way. the poor guy doesn’t even know about how i feel.. and I — the poor girl — don’t even know what to do. As usual, I can see myself wallowing in self pity while cursing fate for allowing me to fall for this one! You know the saddest part? I have realized just yesterday that I am already falling in love with him. Yea, I love him already and I wanna let everybody know ( if it wouldn’t be too much for me). I am foolishly in-love with the guy. Sometimes, love is really difficult to understand. eventhough the person does not see you the same way that you do him, you just merely shrug and say ‘the hell do i care?’ as long as he makes my day… Yet here i am now, miserable and feeling utterly stupid for feeling so low. Why?!?! I don’t even have the answers. and i bet nobody can really answer my stupid inquisition. Well i guess i have to stand by my mantra “If it’s not mine, it’s not mine…” even if this would mean killing myself little by little.